Day 28-Photo From A Year Ago, Photo From This Year and How You've Changed

Photo from August 2009, Driving Home from St.Louis with my lady of nearly a year

In Chicago with my friend Tara (hadn't seen her in a year), September 2010

And How Things Have Changed Between The Two:

There are simple aesthetic things that no one may notice but me; my hair is different. From 2009 to 2010 I went from short hair with a bit on top to real short hair to spike to having no hair to having short hair to now having shaggy hair for the first time since sophomore year. Pretty dumb shit that's changed there.

I've gained about 5 lbs, mostly muscle. *flex GRR!!!*

The real stuff though.

For someone who considers themselves very grown up, I grew up a tremendous amount from 2009 to present. I was in a very wonderful relationship and got to experience it crash and burn for a variety of reasons I shan't go into. The point being, we both felt some form of hindenberg devistation. My depression and anxiety really began to come to the fore front in the wake of this and a feeling of utility that returning to Truman after my stint in Kentucky gave me. I had experienced life and now I was peddling water, dazed and confused in the Truman Theatre Dept. I could count my close friends at school with 1 hand, I was feeling unsatisfied artistically, I was desperate for something/anything: a lover, a cigarette, another beer, another beer, another endorphin rush from working out.

This all sort of came to a head in Liverpool when my life sort of turned upside down. I went into my 3 week study abroad tour a very different person then I came out. The dynamic of my relationships have changed since I came back. I hit a rock bottom in Liverpool when I drunkly pummeled myself so hard I bruised my head because I was so upset. And then over a weekend in Belgium I let it go.

I let go of a lot of the pain in my heart. A lot of pain. Or more so I took the pain out of my heart, made it something physical I could affect and change and gave it a huge hug. I accepted the tragedies of my life (broken home, broken relationships, feeling lost) and just embraced them and suddenly I found that the hole I was climbing out of had light at the end of it.

My future is even less certain then before. I've developed powerfully as both an academic (I conducted original research and will be published soon, granted it's a Universal Press) and as an artist. I've never felt more confident, skilled and sharp as an actor as I do right now that I'm doing fight and text work for King John.

I still have a slew of self esteem issues. These manifest usually in a desire to feel warm, love, feel pleasure and usually stems from a bit too much alcohol or a poor late night choice and perhaps a bit of unsteady promiscuity but I feel like I'm in a place in my life to take a few risks. I'm pushing away the cautiousness I've lived most of my life with, though it's still firmly rooted in me.

So generally, I'm a much happier person then I was year a go. Do I miss being in love: absolutely. But for the first time since ever, I've accepted and love who I am. Or I'm getting very close to it. Not in an egotistical kind of way but in the manner that when Lizbeth looked at me right in the eye as we were in my room in Liverpool and told me I'm good, worthy, and talented, I could finally understand that there is good inside of me. That I'm not so monster that ruins everything. That I am a human being with a dark side but an equally powerful side for good.

I think I have less answers to life then I did last year but I'm hell as more confident about whatever direction God is taking me.

Day 27 - Why I'm Doing this Challenge

Because my friend Lizbeth started it and I wanted to be cool like her. It seems like all my friends with the name "Liz" just put me to shame with how awesome they are.

Day 26-What Do You Think Of Your Friends

I think my friends are truly, in many ways, my family. When shit hit the fan with my parents in my late adolescent/early teens and through high school to today, my friends of the moment have been the support network that has helped me navigate the mine fields of life.

I have a variety of friends, and even levels of friends. I have lots of acquaintances whom I'm close with but I'm not friends with. There is a subtle difference and it's not meant to be mean.

I've felt lost without my friends in the past but over the past year I've come to realize who my friends are (for now) that will stick around and those who we are going to hold on to each for as long as possible and understand when life rips us apart because of our careers (theatre, teaching, art, music, etc).

All in all I'm not much without my friends. Maybe I'm still something but I'm better with people.

Day 25- My bag

We'll go with my book bag.

On the shoulder strap pocket: my ipod with gunmetal gray ipod sock and headphones.

Biggest Pocket: The multicolored folders and notebooks for my classes: Russian Literature, Senior Seminar in Theatre, American Constitutional Government (class is now done), Public Speaking, and being the pedagogue of Acting II.

Two binders: one filled with My King John Script, The Character/Scene/Battle Break Down.

One Paperblanks Notebook modled after a journal William Shakespare may or may have not used. I keep notes about my acting 2 class in it.

1 large moleskine notebook. It has notes on fight scenes from King John and general acting notes regarding the show.

2nd pocket:

The baseball gloves I wear when I utilize broad swords (so not to leave handprints on the blade)

A copy of A.R Gurney's "Overtime"

3rd pocket:

Ray Ban Wayfarers and case

Weekly Planner

Cliff Bar

4th Pocket:

Pencils

Pens

Highlights

Drink Pocket:

Travel Coffee Mug OR Waterbottle.

Day 24-belated

Dear Mom,

Please listen to this song. Seriously. You've waited 35 years. Take a risk and go be happy. I'm tired of watching you not realize your potential, and I'm your son.

Love,

Your Son.

Dear Dad,

You mean more to me more then you'll ever know. Your serenity astounds (and cofounds) me so much. I just hope I'm doing you proud. I'm never sure if I am.

Love,

Max

Day 23

Something I crave alot:

I crave release; In all its form. This usually manifests in working out/any physical exertion. I often feel like a tea kettle in life and I've just become much better at releasing all my fury in more positive ways as opposed to letting it implode inside of me. Perhaps I've become more of a dick since I've started releasing things but I'm learning to live with that idea.

I also crave caffeine. Often.

Day 22 (belated)

What Makes Me Different From Everyone Else:

I would probably have to say the combination of my birthdate (a perfect number alignment) along with stoic outer personality with how weird I am inside? I don't know. Not that I think I'm a clone but it's hard to say where I'm different from the world except that I know I am not the same as x, y, and z.

Day 21 (belated) - Picture of Something that Makes Me Happy

He makes me most happy: El Rey.

Day 20- Future Significant Others

Without going into details because blogs aren't a place to discuss this

The person I could see being with in the future lives far away, is far too busy, and far too smart.

But I could see it happening.

Day 19(belated)-Nicknames and Why

Monkeybuddy- I gave my friend Anne a Curious George stuffed animal and the phrase "Zieg Heil Monkey buddy" came into use that night, since it looked like Curious George was doing the "Zieg Heil" motion.

Variations on the name "Max"=Maximillion, Maxwell, Maxwell Silverhammer, Maximus

just because it's a fun name to do that with.

Sharkbait- My freshman year nick name at the Auditorium a la Nemo in Finding Nemo.

I can't remember any others.

Day 18 - Plans/Dreams/Goals

Plans:

1.) I am graduating in the Spring (or if needed Summer) of 2011 from Truman State University with a degree in theatre.

2.) I plan to leave Kirksville in a cloud of dust for somewhere quite a bit aways, most likely gone from the state of MO. If I am in MO, I'm planning to be in one of it's two metropolitan areas (StL or KC)

3.) I plan to get into the best shape I've been in since Kentucky to play the part of Lewis, The Dauphin for our production of King John or John of England if you prefer

4.) To tear the stage asunder as Lewis (The Dauphin) in King John. not in a show stealing, selfish kind of way, though.

4.) I'm planning on reading the first 4 chapters of Gogol's "Dead Souls" today, since it's my homework.

5.) I plan to continue to hug tragedy/hardship/sucktitude everyday and invite it in for coffee/beer/what you will because nothing has made coping with life a little easier than making friends with my hardships.

Dreams:

-I want a family someday. Like, a wife or partner and a kid or two of my own to teach everything I know. In said dream the kid(s) would mostly be open to listening to me, even though I predict I"m going to be a really dorky father, and my wife and I will have each other's back through thick and thin.

-That said I dream of being in love again. At some point. I'm not in a hurry anymore. I get nostalgic sometimes for those days when my heart belonged to someone else and I recognize now is no longer that place but I dream of once again feeling that.

-I dream of having a chance to give back to my family and my mentors through hopefully accruing a windfall ( lottery?) and providing money for education, relocation, and renovation.

-I want to be in a position to make a change in the world, big or small. This would be through performing theatre, teaching theatre to those who do not have access to it, or providing the opportunity for theatre or art or just something. I mean, it's sort of a heartsick idealism but I really want to change the world someday. It's the superhero complex/alcoholic kids complex I have in me.

-I dream of being fully unafraid to be the person I am and the person I'm meant to be. I've made strong strides toward that this past summer and during the school year but I'm still shy, secretive, and wrestling with a guilty conscious. I think dancing is the key to finding it. I always feel more myself after i've head banged a little and my body is set afire in motion to music. I don't know if to an outsider I transform when I dance but I certainly feel like I do internally. I just generally get nervous around people.

Goals:

-I want to complete a triathlon. Very, very soon.

-I want to be able to do a handstand and handstand push ups. Even sooner

-I want to learn a martial art. Preferably a hard martial art but most things will do.

-Find a church/organization to belong to once I leave Truman. I identify as a Unitarian Universalist/Christian Unitarian/something. I'd like to find a home for that.

-Become a certified stage combatant in a variety of weapons and eventually become an instructor

-Continue to not punish myself too much for screw ups. I'm not used to this kind of levity on myself so I want to continue it.

-Direct "I am not Batman" at some point soon.

I could list a lot longer, but I think this is enough of a window in.

Day 17

If I were to switch lives for a day and why...


Probably my 'brother' James. I'd love to know what it's like for a day to be apart of a brotherhood like the marine corps and to be as respected and venerated as he is. He's an immensely capable young officer, one of the most athletic, fit, and determined people I've ever met and I'd love to walk in his boots for a day.


While I consider myself a hard worker, I continually aspire to work like him. Though we've both admitted we admire the other for different reasons so I'm sure for a day he wouldn't mind dealing with theatre folks. Hehe.

Intermission

"The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday"

Ponder that.

Day 16

This is the shaggiest and scruffiest I've been in two years.