Inventory of Weapons

If you read this, congratulations: you're in on the secret that I'm laying low in St.Louis. I'm here to visit Aaron (my 'brother'). We're laying low and keeping it that way, so don't feel too bad if I don't swing by. Aaron is a rare and important treat for me and I know way too many folks in StL to see in a single swing by visit.

I did some retail therapy today: I bought some jeans that fit comfortably (see: not tight enough to not allow me to move and not baggy enough to make me a rapper) and some wonderful t-shirts that look very similar to t-shirts I already wear. I'm getting as bad as a certain friend who only wears three dresses, though I love her and her dresses.

My horoscope told me to take inventory of my allies and tools that can help survive the lunacy of the world. Here's a quick list of those people/things.

Aaron Baker

Aaron Chester

Gavin

Anne

Molly

Arthur

Liz

Lizbeth

ELIZAbeth

Joan

Janet

Randy

Mom

Dad

Brooke

Matt P

Matt D

Sarah H

Canada

Kylee (cuz she's just being Kylee)

Drew, my favorite Bartender

The slew of people I collaborate with in Theatre at Truman

Jon Becraft

Tara D

James Lochbaum USMC

Running

Working Out

Writing Poetry

Reading Poems

Practicing the Craft of Theatre (whatever that entails)

Just Writing in General

The Music of Ryan Adams

The Wombats "Lets Dance to Joy Division" which is my current Anthem

Driving in My Car

Coffee

Really Really Good Beer

Really Really Good Food

Bad Action Flicks

Neofuturism

Nate

Adrienne

Vlogging With the Gents

Hugs

Sarah Hass of McNair

Katie Tolle and Danielle

The word "Mettle"

And so on and so forth. I have a lot to be grateful for and a lot to feel good and confident about, and I think most people do, even in times of strife. I had a question of confidence or rather self early yesterday from a negligible event. It had me shaken and questioning the very nature of who I've worked so fucking hard to become over the past few months, the past year, the past life. I thought I was regressing, reverting into the version of myself most people are casually aware of and those who intimiately knew it as a highly anxious, depressed, scared man. Those days are done for now, and though tragedy may always by my door, due to the nature of existence and my past, I've decided to hug it and invite it in for a cup of coffee or make it my doormat.

With that said, it's time to go back to Aaron's for dinner. He's cooking fish and mushrooms and I'm so excited. I'm seeing the expendables (again), this time with Aaron. Am I tired of the movie? Maybe a little but nothing beats being with you friends at the end of the day.

Cheers from the Stone Spiral Coffee Shop.

Evolution

I almost went back and put the title in a sans serif font and with no capitalization. I soon realized that as much as I've changed this summer, some things will always remain the same. Such as my choice of fonts: Times New Roman is always a great way to go. Such a beautiful stand by.

I'm not sure why I'm entirely updating this, I should be laying in bed texting people, but I've felt the urge to write but I haven't done so in a while. I suppose this is a way to get the engine running for my moleskine again, no?

I believe that evolution occurred and occurs on all levels: physically, mentally, spiritually. I think it's just the process of growth. In many ways I think evolution(personal) is informed by God (or whatever you choose to call your higher power/nom de jour) or other spirits. You can only grow and change in response to certain stimuli, certain situations that bring out the advantage you have that will allow you to survive or that will push you into a different situation, perhaps an even less wonderful one.

I suppose where I'm getting at with this is that I've realized through my summer that I've evolved in a way I couldn't quite expect. I can't quite articulate it either, since it's still happening. It'd be frustrated normally but I'm done being frustrated with little things for the moment. For example: I've evolved as an artist. I think to a lot of people I've been identified as simply an actor. Nothing more, nothing less. But I also create poetry and do video blogs that have more in common with vignettes then something like this. My time abroad and my time interviewing and developing my research project (oral history of KC Fringe, ask me about it sometime) has cast a massive cloud over my future. I can't just be an actor anymore. That isn't satisfying. That isn't quite good enough. It was scary for a moment because I've spent the better part of 6 to 7 years very much wanting to just be an actor, while doing other things as part of my major or as part of my job. But the scariness has passed because I've realized that most people are many, many, many different things in their life times. People shift careers, mediums, families, histories all the time. Mark Twight moved from Mountain Climber to Marksmen to Fitness Coach. Anthony Bourdain was a chef who wrote a book who became a television host/man of insight who I admire immensely. My father changed from farm boy to frat boy to hair dresser to master electrician.

I think you can get my point. That as an artist I'm under going a massive change, and personally I'm undergoing a massive change. Two of my closest chums, 2/5ths of the 5 Horsemen moved to Chicago to start their lives as big city theatre people. I'm terribly excited for them because though they leave behind their friends (temporarily) and significant others (temporarily), they are starting new lives. At the same time: these are two of my closest male confidants who have been apart of my collegiate theatre and life experience, literally from Day Zero. So this year I start a brand new day of banding with those who I'm still close with here and those I will meet and hopefully not make too much of an ass of myself. Or be too much of a pretentious fuck, since I tend to run that risk as well.

Kirksville is quiet. It gnaws at me a little but if I learned two things this summer that I can share with anyone it is this:

1.) Learn to celebrate life, and embrace tragedy. Life can suck a lot of the time, but we should still find a way to enjoy it

2.) That Gandhi Quote, "You must be the change you want to see in the world." If you're bored, stop being boring.

That's all.

Cheers.

PS- Jamie, your CD is coming.