Random Thought

Whatever it may concern (and it concerns many things):

I wont back down. (cue Tom Petty)

The Dauphin Will Rage At Your Heels

I went running to warm my body up for tonight's long, emotional engagement. I ran about 2 miles at a very leisurely pace.

Perhaps it's the runners high, the protein intake for the day but my muscles and mind are telling me I'm psyched for opening night. It may be my last main stage performance at Truman State University. I could be really upset about it but I'm just going to fucking enjoy it. Hell, I may chew some scenery. Half the cast does anyway, why can't I?

Happy End of Day Light Savings Time

I woke up at 6:30 this morning to get ready to go to work at 7:30. I'm currently babysitting in the auditorium, listening to pandora, drinking from my thermos of coffee. Arthur came and brought me an egg mcmuffin but I did have a bowl of cereal earlier.

I suppose the miracle of today is that I got out of bed. I woke up. This past week battered me into nigh oblivion from sleep deprivation to the point that stress was destroying my body. Ghosts and other things came to the fore front and while I'm more equipped to deal with them now (mainly, I have an ego to help me defend myself now), it still left me with scratches, bruises, and an exhausted frame.

Ego is a very funny thing. I didn't really notice mine until I came back Liverpool and I really began living a very "me" centered life. Or rather I've begun to notice that my life has been "me" centered for quite awhile. To one extent, that is the curse and beauty of college: it is about the development of self. The entirety of college is inherently a selfish pursuit. Most training to develop skills or an acumen I think are somewhat selfish in practice because you are forced to focus on YOUR skills, YOUR abilities, and YOU to develop something you can do for someone else. Perhaps I'm not thinking this through enough. It's just very interesting to me at the moment.

As I laid in bed last night, not sleeping, I had my first moment of "Holy Shit King John Opens This Week" panic. It was not fun. I'm not prone to histrionics. I try to keep my drama on the stage but I had a small freak out as I lay awake dreaming. I pondered life beyond KJ, how it might shape up or how life was going to unfold after graduation and fear settled in again. It's not even the fear of living with my parents or staying in Kirksville, it's almost a fear of just not existing.

For the majority of my life, my existence has been consumed by the endeavor we call scholarship. It's hardly the most interesting thing I do but if you were to calculate the hours of my life spent being a student they are an innumerable sum. I've had a taste of life as a traveling artist-educator. I've enjoyed the life of a bon vivant American in Europe however so briefly. It's genuinely scary to think what's going to happen to my life very soon. Am I prepared? Am I good enough? Am I worthy? Those are silly questions to ask because I think in many instances your attitude is the deciding outcome of those answers. Ashton Kutcher is an awful actor but he has an excellent work ethic and positive morale; and he's very successful. Thomas Edison and all that.

Self determination is a very funny thing. I've done it a lot of my life. I've actually pretty decent at it. I go where I want to go in my life and I move depending on the will and graces of life/higher beings/etc. Not always without yielding. Yet I think it is the anxiety of waiting to begin this new chapter of self determined awesome that's goading at me. Just the waiting. I'm a very impatient person, sadly.

Cheers.

"My friend Serge, who's one of my oldest friends, has bought a painting ... It represents a man who moves across a space and disappears."

Day 28-Photo From A Year Ago, Photo From This Year and How You've Changed

Photo from August 2009, Driving Home from St.Louis with my lady of nearly a year

In Chicago with my friend Tara (hadn't seen her in a year), September 2010

And How Things Have Changed Between The Two:

There are simple aesthetic things that no one may notice but me; my hair is different. From 2009 to 2010 I went from short hair with a bit on top to real short hair to spike to having no hair to having short hair to now having shaggy hair for the first time since sophomore year. Pretty dumb shit that's changed there.

I've gained about 5 lbs, mostly muscle. *flex GRR!!!*

The real stuff though.

For someone who considers themselves very grown up, I grew up a tremendous amount from 2009 to present. I was in a very wonderful relationship and got to experience it crash and burn for a variety of reasons I shan't go into. The point being, we both felt some form of hindenberg devistation. My depression and anxiety really began to come to the fore front in the wake of this and a feeling of utility that returning to Truman after my stint in Kentucky gave me. I had experienced life and now I was peddling water, dazed and confused in the Truman Theatre Dept. I could count my close friends at school with 1 hand, I was feeling unsatisfied artistically, I was desperate for something/anything: a lover, a cigarette, another beer, another beer, another endorphin rush from working out.

This all sort of came to a head in Liverpool when my life sort of turned upside down. I went into my 3 week study abroad tour a very different person then I came out. The dynamic of my relationships have changed since I came back. I hit a rock bottom in Liverpool when I drunkly pummeled myself so hard I bruised my head because I was so upset. And then over a weekend in Belgium I let it go.

I let go of a lot of the pain in my heart. A lot of pain. Or more so I took the pain out of my heart, made it something physical I could affect and change and gave it a huge hug. I accepted the tragedies of my life (broken home, broken relationships, feeling lost) and just embraced them and suddenly I found that the hole I was climbing out of had light at the end of it.

My future is even less certain then before. I've developed powerfully as both an academic (I conducted original research and will be published soon, granted it's a Universal Press) and as an artist. I've never felt more confident, skilled and sharp as an actor as I do right now that I'm doing fight and text work for King John.

I still have a slew of self esteem issues. These manifest usually in a desire to feel warm, love, feel pleasure and usually stems from a bit too much alcohol or a poor late night choice and perhaps a bit of unsteady promiscuity but I feel like I'm in a place in my life to take a few risks. I'm pushing away the cautiousness I've lived most of my life with, though it's still firmly rooted in me.

So generally, I'm a much happier person then I was year a go. Do I miss being in love: absolutely. But for the first time since ever, I've accepted and love who I am. Or I'm getting very close to it. Not in an egotistical kind of way but in the manner that when Lizbeth looked at me right in the eye as we were in my room in Liverpool and told me I'm good, worthy, and talented, I could finally understand that there is good inside of me. That I'm not so monster that ruins everything. That I am a human being with a dark side but an equally powerful side for good.

I think I have less answers to life then I did last year but I'm hell as more confident about whatever direction God is taking me.

Day 27 - Why I'm Doing this Challenge

Because my friend Lizbeth started it and I wanted to be cool like her. It seems like all my friends with the name "Liz" just put me to shame with how awesome they are.

Day 26-What Do You Think Of Your Friends

I think my friends are truly, in many ways, my family. When shit hit the fan with my parents in my late adolescent/early teens and through high school to today, my friends of the moment have been the support network that has helped me navigate the mine fields of life.

I have a variety of friends, and even levels of friends. I have lots of acquaintances whom I'm close with but I'm not friends with. There is a subtle difference and it's not meant to be mean.

I've felt lost without my friends in the past but over the past year I've come to realize who my friends are (for now) that will stick around and those who we are going to hold on to each for as long as possible and understand when life rips us apart because of our careers (theatre, teaching, art, music, etc).

All in all I'm not much without my friends. Maybe I'm still something but I'm better with people.

Day 25- My bag

We'll go with my book bag.

On the shoulder strap pocket: my ipod with gunmetal gray ipod sock and headphones.

Biggest Pocket: The multicolored folders and notebooks for my classes: Russian Literature, Senior Seminar in Theatre, American Constitutional Government (class is now done), Public Speaking, and being the pedagogue of Acting II.

Two binders: one filled with My King John Script, The Character/Scene/Battle Break Down.

One Paperblanks Notebook modled after a journal William Shakespare may or may have not used. I keep notes about my acting 2 class in it.

1 large moleskine notebook. It has notes on fight scenes from King John and general acting notes regarding the show.

2nd pocket:

The baseball gloves I wear when I utilize broad swords (so not to leave handprints on the blade)

A copy of A.R Gurney's "Overtime"

3rd pocket:

Ray Ban Wayfarers and case

Weekly Planner

Cliff Bar

4th Pocket:

Pencils

Pens

Highlights

Drink Pocket:

Travel Coffee Mug OR Waterbottle.

Day 24-belated

Dear Mom,

Please listen to this song. Seriously. You've waited 35 years. Take a risk and go be happy. I'm tired of watching you not realize your potential, and I'm your son.

Love,

Your Son.

Dear Dad,

You mean more to me more then you'll ever know. Your serenity astounds (and cofounds) me so much. I just hope I'm doing you proud. I'm never sure if I am.

Love,

Max

Day 23

Something I crave alot:

I crave release; In all its form. This usually manifests in working out/any physical exertion. I often feel like a tea kettle in life and I've just become much better at releasing all my fury in more positive ways as opposed to letting it implode inside of me. Perhaps I've become more of a dick since I've started releasing things but I'm learning to live with that idea.

I also crave caffeine. Often.

Day 22 (belated)

What Makes Me Different From Everyone Else:

I would probably have to say the combination of my birthdate (a perfect number alignment) along with stoic outer personality with how weird I am inside? I don't know. Not that I think I'm a clone but it's hard to say where I'm different from the world except that I know I am not the same as x, y, and z.

Day 21 (belated) - Picture of Something that Makes Me Happy

He makes me most happy: El Rey.

Day 20- Future Significant Others

Without going into details because blogs aren't a place to discuss this

The person I could see being with in the future lives far away, is far too busy, and far too smart.

But I could see it happening.

Day 19(belated)-Nicknames and Why

Monkeybuddy- I gave my friend Anne a Curious George stuffed animal and the phrase "Zieg Heil Monkey buddy" came into use that night, since it looked like Curious George was doing the "Zieg Heil" motion.

Variations on the name "Max"=Maximillion, Maxwell, Maxwell Silverhammer, Maximus

just because it's a fun name to do that with.

Sharkbait- My freshman year nick name at the Auditorium a la Nemo in Finding Nemo.

I can't remember any others.

Day 18 - Plans/Dreams/Goals

Plans:

1.) I am graduating in the Spring (or if needed Summer) of 2011 from Truman State University with a degree in theatre.

2.) I plan to leave Kirksville in a cloud of dust for somewhere quite a bit aways, most likely gone from the state of MO. If I am in MO, I'm planning to be in one of it's two metropolitan areas (StL or KC)

3.) I plan to get into the best shape I've been in since Kentucky to play the part of Lewis, The Dauphin for our production of King John or John of England if you prefer

4.) To tear the stage asunder as Lewis (The Dauphin) in King John. not in a show stealing, selfish kind of way, though.

4.) I'm planning on reading the first 4 chapters of Gogol's "Dead Souls" today, since it's my homework.

5.) I plan to continue to hug tragedy/hardship/sucktitude everyday and invite it in for coffee/beer/what you will because nothing has made coping with life a little easier than making friends with my hardships.

Dreams:

-I want a family someday. Like, a wife or partner and a kid or two of my own to teach everything I know. In said dream the kid(s) would mostly be open to listening to me, even though I predict I"m going to be a really dorky father, and my wife and I will have each other's back through thick and thin.

-That said I dream of being in love again. At some point. I'm not in a hurry anymore. I get nostalgic sometimes for those days when my heart belonged to someone else and I recognize now is no longer that place but I dream of once again feeling that.

-I dream of having a chance to give back to my family and my mentors through hopefully accruing a windfall ( lottery?) and providing money for education, relocation, and renovation.

-I want to be in a position to make a change in the world, big or small. This would be through performing theatre, teaching theatre to those who do not have access to it, or providing the opportunity for theatre or art or just something. I mean, it's sort of a heartsick idealism but I really want to change the world someday. It's the superhero complex/alcoholic kids complex I have in me.

-I dream of being fully unafraid to be the person I am and the person I'm meant to be. I've made strong strides toward that this past summer and during the school year but I'm still shy, secretive, and wrestling with a guilty conscious. I think dancing is the key to finding it. I always feel more myself after i've head banged a little and my body is set afire in motion to music. I don't know if to an outsider I transform when I dance but I certainly feel like I do internally. I just generally get nervous around people.

Goals:

-I want to complete a triathlon. Very, very soon.

-I want to be able to do a handstand and handstand push ups. Even sooner

-I want to learn a martial art. Preferably a hard martial art but most things will do.

-Find a church/organization to belong to once I leave Truman. I identify as a Unitarian Universalist/Christian Unitarian/something. I'd like to find a home for that.

-Become a certified stage combatant in a variety of weapons and eventually become an instructor

-Continue to not punish myself too much for screw ups. I'm not used to this kind of levity on myself so I want to continue it.

-Direct "I am not Batman" at some point soon.

I could list a lot longer, but I think this is enough of a window in.

Day 17

If I were to switch lives for a day and why...


Probably my 'brother' James. I'd love to know what it's like for a day to be apart of a brotherhood like the marine corps and to be as respected and venerated as he is. He's an immensely capable young officer, one of the most athletic, fit, and determined people I've ever met and I'd love to walk in his boots for a day.


While I consider myself a hard worker, I continually aspire to work like him. Though we've both admitted we admire the other for different reasons so I'm sure for a day he wouldn't mind dealing with theatre folks. Hehe.

Intermission

"The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday"

Ponder that.

Day 16

This is the shaggiest and scruffiest I've been in two years.

Day 15- iTunes

I've opted to use iTunes instead.


1. "No Way Back" - Foo Fighters
2. "The Good Life" - Weezer
3. "Look At Me" - Sum 41
4. "Last Ride Together" - I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness
5. "Blessed to be A Witness" - Ben Harper
6. "Y.M.C.A" - Village People
7. "Macavity: The Mystery Cat" - Cats Soundtrack
8. "The Dark Knight" Riff Trax
9. "She Knows" - Gnarls Barkley
10. "Pompeii Am Götterdämmerung" - The Flaming Lips


This is a very interesting random sampling of my music. Much of it (Cats Soundtrack, I Love You, Ben harper) are things I've never listened to simply since they were random packs of music thrown onto my computer as part of communist music swaps and other such things.

I'm just pleased as a peach Weezer showed up to this party.

Day 14

I think this is the last family photo I have on record. This was at my senior graduation, so nearing 4 years ago.

Pictured left to right
Dad, my nephew Simon, Tessa, Mom, Cecelia, and myself.

Day 13 (belated)

Dear Caffeine,

You and I are generally friends. Or rather, I feel I'm quite in love with you, quite entranced by your engaging beauty and sharp, lovely jolting kisses.

Yet sometimes you are a bit too much. Sometimes you try to help me through my worries and my trials and tests and afterwards all you do is bring me down, give me headaches, and cause me more misery than the love and pleasure you give me.

I'm not breaking up. I would never consider such a thing.

I just think we need some distance, caffeine. Let's not over load each other.

I want this relationship to last the long haul, you know. And too much of you may be just well...too much.


Sincerely,

Max

Day 12- Discovering Blogspot

I used to have a live journal and had one for many years.

I think it was Mr. Chester's blog in yesteryears that inspired me to try a blogspot.

And that's really about it.

Day 11-Another photo with you and your friends

My wonderful eliza on the left and majestic molly on the right.

Day 10

Happy
"Lets Dance to Joy Division" The Wombats
"Oh My Sweet Carolina" Ryan Adams
"One More Time" Daft Punk


Sad
"Come Pick Me Up" Ryan Adams
A lot of Coldplay, specifically "Fix You", and "The Scientist", and "Rush of Blood to the Head"
"Here Comes the Sun" The Beatles

Bored
"Teenage Dream" Katy Perry
"When My Time Comes" Dawes
"Fuck You" Cee Lo

Hyped
"I'm on a Boat" Lonely Island Boys Ft. T-Pain (works EVERYTIME)
"I'm Here to Make a Bang" Eagles of Death metal
"Learn to Surf" Superchunk

Mad
"I disappear" Metallica (haven't listened to that one in a long time)
Various Slipknot
Various Distrubed

Day 9

Something I'm Proud Of in the Past Few Days...


Probably getting the part of Lewis in King John. I auditioned hard and brought my best game well..ever I think. Maybe not, I don't know. Point is, I really had wanted the parts of The Bastard and King John. I got neither. I did get this awesome part I can't wait to tear my teeth into. I'm proud I'm considered a top tier/top caliber performer and even though I don't fully believe it yet, I hope someday I do.

Day 8 (belated)

1. Get back to pre getting sick shape
-I lost some endurance/strength/mass when I got sick this month and haven't found the time to get my work outs back in rhythm. I need to with King John and fight work starting.

2. Stay on top of my homework
-I can't let it slide because of a show.

3. Be off book way before off book date for King John
-Quicker I'm off book, quicker I can play.

4. Have fun
-Self explanatory.

Day 7 (belated)

This is Alaina.

I've been in love (truly) twice and she was the first person I fell in love with. We never dated. I was the Ducky to her Molly Ringwald for 5 long years and being in that situation was pretty awful and pretty damaging to myself worth, unintended as it was. It's taken me a while to get some of that self respect back.

However, she is the reason I found my art. I auditioned for my first play because of her. She was the one who got me to hunt down the rabbit hole that is theatre. And for that, I'm so, so thankful.

Day 7

For teaching me that you can overcome anything, that attitude is half the battle, and telling me I'm a giant and meaning it.

Superhero

My first memory of a child was the Adam West Batman. It was playing at my first birthday party. For years I would go as batman for halloween, go as bruce wayne to day care and transform into batman at recess because i had no one to play with. Batman was an emblem of strength, of good, of overcoming obstacles.

As the years went on and I learned of the more nuanced performances and writings of batman I respected him because he is a mortal. I love superman but I love that Batman is the development of human will and skill to the deadliest edge in fiction. It appealed to my hard work sensibilities. Plus I can relate to feeling like something was my fault, even if it happened in my childhood and it wasn't actually my fault.

Plus it's the Goddamn Batman.

Day 5: Somewhere I've Been

Antwerp, Belgium.

Day 4 Habits

Edit: I was drunk when I wrote this.

Habit(s).

I bite my nails. I'd like to stop that.

When I drink a bit too much I'm very prone to smoking/eating shit food not good for me/being far too snuggly for my own good and I should probably cut back on that.

Day 3

I have many, many, many, many friends but it would be hard to put them in one picture. So, I thought the 5 Horseman might be a good photo. In no particular order: Aaron, Arthur, Gavin, Nate and I to conquer the world, one vlog at a time. I miss hanging out with all of us together.

Day 2

The name Mr. Maxwell


It just sounds nice.


"Travels with St. Christopher"

As a parting gift from my friend Tara, I received the saint pendant for St.Christopher, the patron saint of travel. That summer I realized how much I love traveling and writing about travel, and wanted to make a travel blog. Thus: travels with st.christopher.

Day 1

1. I was born on a perfect number alignment

2. I'm one of the best drivers I know.

3. I read my astrology every week. I'm a leo in saturn.

4. My alarm on my computer is usually set to Ke$ha's "Tik Tok" for the main line.

5. I live with one of my best friends. It's turned out pretty grand thus far.

6. My desk is littered with odd characters; journals I don't write in anymore, a plush luchador, a Dexter bobble head, Buddha statue, a Monskey, and a cactus. I wouldn't have it any other way.

7. I've found inspiration for poems often akin to be set on fire on the inside and if you cannot find a way to let it loose onto a page it will either consume you or wither and cause an empty space.

8. I'm working on my 5th back pocket journal (the first one was a paperblank, the rest are moleskines). I started doing them two years ago.

9. I like my music loud.

10. I really like to dance, I'm good at it, but I'm too self conscious in my hometown to dance infront of most people.

11. I'm a people pleaser. If I want to listen to Katy Perry but I'm in the car with one of my friends I won't play it because i know they probably won't enjoy it, even though I don't think they'd care if I played it.

12. I'm far more passionate than I let on to most people I think.

13. One of my most artistically satisfying moments involved dousing a marble floor in Snapple and screaming "no taxation without representation" while I'm on a Boat is playing loudly

14. I'm both left and right handed, though I'm not ambidexterous. I use the left hand to write, eat, and dexterous skills. My right hand is used for strength purposes. It came about because of baseball. I was taught to throw right.

15. I'm 80 percent straight, 20 percent gay. I don't have a sexual interest in men, but I see aesthetic beauty in them.

I'm doing it starting now...

Day 01 - A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02 - The meaning behind your "Blogspot" name
Day 03 - A picture of you and your friends
Day 04 - A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05 - A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06 - Favorite super hero and why
Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08 - Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09 - Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10 - Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11 - Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12 - How you found out about "blogspot" and why you made one
Day 13 - A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14 - A picture of you and your family
Day 15 - Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16 - Another picture of yourself
Day 17 - Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18 - Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19 - Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20 - Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22 - What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23 - Something you crave for a lot
Day 24 - A letter to your parents
Day 25 - What I would find in your bag
Day 26 - What you think about your friends
Day 27 - Why you are doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29 - In this past month, what have you learned?
Day 30 - Who are you?

Inventory of Weapons

If you read this, congratulations: you're in on the secret that I'm laying low in St.Louis. I'm here to visit Aaron (my 'brother'). We're laying low and keeping it that way, so don't feel too bad if I don't swing by. Aaron is a rare and important treat for me and I know way too many folks in StL to see in a single swing by visit.

I did some retail therapy today: I bought some jeans that fit comfortably (see: not tight enough to not allow me to move and not baggy enough to make me a rapper) and some wonderful t-shirts that look very similar to t-shirts I already wear. I'm getting as bad as a certain friend who only wears three dresses, though I love her and her dresses.

My horoscope told me to take inventory of my allies and tools that can help survive the lunacy of the world. Here's a quick list of those people/things.

Aaron Baker

Aaron Chester

Gavin

Anne

Molly

Arthur

Liz

Lizbeth

ELIZAbeth

Joan

Janet

Randy

Mom

Dad

Brooke

Matt P

Matt D

Sarah H

Canada

Kylee (cuz she's just being Kylee)

Drew, my favorite Bartender

The slew of people I collaborate with in Theatre at Truman

Jon Becraft

Tara D

James Lochbaum USMC

Running

Working Out

Writing Poetry

Reading Poems

Practicing the Craft of Theatre (whatever that entails)

Just Writing in General

The Music of Ryan Adams

The Wombats "Lets Dance to Joy Division" which is my current Anthem

Driving in My Car

Coffee

Really Really Good Beer

Really Really Good Food

Bad Action Flicks

Neofuturism

Nate

Adrienne

Vlogging With the Gents

Hugs

Sarah Hass of McNair

Katie Tolle and Danielle

The word "Mettle"

And so on and so forth. I have a lot to be grateful for and a lot to feel good and confident about, and I think most people do, even in times of strife. I had a question of confidence or rather self early yesterday from a negligible event. It had me shaken and questioning the very nature of who I've worked so fucking hard to become over the past few months, the past year, the past life. I thought I was regressing, reverting into the version of myself most people are casually aware of and those who intimiately knew it as a highly anxious, depressed, scared man. Those days are done for now, and though tragedy may always by my door, due to the nature of existence and my past, I've decided to hug it and invite it in for a cup of coffee or make it my doormat.

With that said, it's time to go back to Aaron's for dinner. He's cooking fish and mushrooms and I'm so excited. I'm seeing the expendables (again), this time with Aaron. Am I tired of the movie? Maybe a little but nothing beats being with you friends at the end of the day.

Cheers from the Stone Spiral Coffee Shop.

Evolution

I almost went back and put the title in a sans serif font and with no capitalization. I soon realized that as much as I've changed this summer, some things will always remain the same. Such as my choice of fonts: Times New Roman is always a great way to go. Such a beautiful stand by.

I'm not sure why I'm entirely updating this, I should be laying in bed texting people, but I've felt the urge to write but I haven't done so in a while. I suppose this is a way to get the engine running for my moleskine again, no?

I believe that evolution occurred and occurs on all levels: physically, mentally, spiritually. I think it's just the process of growth. In many ways I think evolution(personal) is informed by God (or whatever you choose to call your higher power/nom de jour) or other spirits. You can only grow and change in response to certain stimuli, certain situations that bring out the advantage you have that will allow you to survive or that will push you into a different situation, perhaps an even less wonderful one.

I suppose where I'm getting at with this is that I've realized through my summer that I've evolved in a way I couldn't quite expect. I can't quite articulate it either, since it's still happening. It'd be frustrated normally but I'm done being frustrated with little things for the moment. For example: I've evolved as an artist. I think to a lot of people I've been identified as simply an actor. Nothing more, nothing less. But I also create poetry and do video blogs that have more in common with vignettes then something like this. My time abroad and my time interviewing and developing my research project (oral history of KC Fringe, ask me about it sometime) has cast a massive cloud over my future. I can't just be an actor anymore. That isn't satisfying. That isn't quite good enough. It was scary for a moment because I've spent the better part of 6 to 7 years very much wanting to just be an actor, while doing other things as part of my major or as part of my job. But the scariness has passed because I've realized that most people are many, many, many different things in their life times. People shift careers, mediums, families, histories all the time. Mark Twight moved from Mountain Climber to Marksmen to Fitness Coach. Anthony Bourdain was a chef who wrote a book who became a television host/man of insight who I admire immensely. My father changed from farm boy to frat boy to hair dresser to master electrician.

I think you can get my point. That as an artist I'm under going a massive change, and personally I'm undergoing a massive change. Two of my closest chums, 2/5ths of the 5 Horsemen moved to Chicago to start their lives as big city theatre people. I'm terribly excited for them because though they leave behind their friends (temporarily) and significant others (temporarily), they are starting new lives. At the same time: these are two of my closest male confidants who have been apart of my collegiate theatre and life experience, literally from Day Zero. So this year I start a brand new day of banding with those who I'm still close with here and those I will meet and hopefully not make too much of an ass of myself. Or be too much of a pretentious fuck, since I tend to run that risk as well.

Kirksville is quiet. It gnaws at me a little but if I learned two things this summer that I can share with anyone it is this:

1.) Learn to celebrate life, and embrace tragedy. Life can suck a lot of the time, but we should still find a way to enjoy it

2.) That Gandhi Quote, "You must be the change you want to see in the world." If you're bored, stop being boring.

That's all.

Cheers.

PS- Jamie, your CD is coming.

First Friday

Reporting form Canada's place in Overland Park.

I have to keep this brief like the Folger Coffee I'm drinking.

First Friday is this big cultural event that happens in the Crossroad District of KC every first friday in the summer. I went and saw the dance/performance group Canada works form, Quixotic Dance Fusion. They're quite badass. Flaming Hula Hoop + Singing=Nuff Said.

Met up with Jamie M and her folks at a neighboring Art Gallery. Wonderful people. Kind, generous and they spotted a meal and a beer for me at Hamburger Mary's. Nice place. Good burger.

Met Canada afterwords and wondered in the musky KC heat. It felt like 85 even at 10 o'clock at night. We stopped into a printing press place (hammerpress inc.) and I bought the Baker a house warming gift. It's a print of a black cowboy boot with a raven on it, showing it's heart.

We then wandered back to Hamburger Marys so Canada could grab a drink. We then soon realized we were infact at a Gay Bar. We chuckled, enjoyed the prescence of Lady Gaga on the tv screen, and meandered home.

It feels good to travel, even with small McNair responsibilities lingering. They will be taken care of, and I will get everything needed to be done, done. I'm a kinesthetic thinker, I think whilst in movement and for too long Ive been stagnant.

Safe travels, friends.

Jesus Christ what a long week.

Each day stretches longer then the one before, like a series of yawns amongst a tight group of people who never realized until the mice squeaked that they were tired, road weary, and nearly beaten.

I would be me disappointed in myself for not doing my stats tonight, no matter how much I need to do it but I need these allergies to calm the fuck down and go away. I've had them coped with my stress shit for a bit too long and it's just making me more angry. Just what Max needs, right?

In brighter news, the Aud Squad is forming a dance crew. Randy, Arthur, Gavin, Carley, Sarah, Hank, and Randy don't know yet but it's happening. I'm sure they'll bring their best moves. Lord knows Randy can do the spinaroonie like a champ.

I could reflect on theatre en generale, Truman Theatre, or the encroaching year and goals for it but my eyes are too heavy. All I want in the world is to make a small difference. Though I'd really like the chance to brush up my shakespeare in whatever David does end up directing. So, I'd be cool if I was lucky enough to be cast in whatever he ends up picking. Lab show, not so much. The one show I want to direct in this world wouldn't work with our hypothetical season.

Plus I just ultimately want to blow this pop sickle stand called Kirksville. I think it makes me callous perhaps that I want to get out of this place so bad, even perhaps at the sake of the friendships and bonds I have made in college but I could use a little time away from my baggage that lives 5 blocks south of me.

Sigh. Rant over. Geography shouldn't bother one that bad but it gets to me sometimes. So it goes.

Monument Day

My knees ache with the joy of experience.

My sinuses are clouded by unfamiliar allergens only explained by the wonder that is someplace new.

I keep having odd dreams but the trip is great, in short.

Hey blog, long time no see. I hope you've been doing well.

Somethings have changed since I last put something of any substance on the blog. I buzzed all my hair off (I have a pretty nice month growth now), I had a panic attack, experienced a repressed memory, found out I'm going to Liverpool, wrote some poems, and have been given a chance to make some theatre. So you get the good, you get the bad.

The panic attack was well...I'd rather not get into it too much more then the idea that I'm realizing how much my mind is in control of my body. Under extreme duress I begin to feel chest pressure, the stress of this week made me believe I was sick. I had this research proposal that (intellectually) I was fully confident that with minimal work I could turn in my proposal and get my research internship this summer. This internship isn't exactly something I want but something I need to do for McNair. Or rather, something I felt I need to do for McNair. Regardless, I'd much rather be acting, traveling, or doing the world some good. However, my research is going to be really fascinating, engaging, and a chance for me to wear something akin to a "No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain" sort of hat, except with people at fringe festivals.

Anyway, stressing about this proposal. I was stressed about it without knowing it, and I was manifesting symptoms of a cold: run down, congested. As soon as I turned in that sick son of a bitch I was feeling five million times better. I went running, I had dinner with Brooke, I drank. My body just rebounded. I think I was probably stressed by a multitude of other things (this trip to DC I leave K-Ville for in about 6 hours), my dad getting remarried (though I love my future step mom), and just life in general. My dad tells me to relax and enjoy the ride but...I can't. That's unfortunately not me. I'm decent at pretending to be 'cool'. I can handle histrionics and chaos around: I grew up around it, you learn to tune out. However, when my boat starts rocking I'm quick to just freak out. It's fucking weird.

Anyway, I'm noticing the physical effect it is taking on me. And this suddenly dipped into personal really quickly.

Uhh...Lady GaGa is really fantastic. Like honestly fantastic. I'm in love with Bad Romance. I'm not afraid to admit it either.

I think I'll write more when I get to DC later today. My fountain pen is working, and it's calling me.

It's funny how things can turn around in the span of a few hours.

I found out at 4:28 PM that my blood work turned out normal.

I found out at 5:16 PM that this summer I'll be going to Liverpool.

Holyshit. :)

Oh The Places I'll Go?

In the nearby future...
1. Columbia, MO
2. St.Louis, MO
3. Washington, D.C.

and if my stars are in line...
Liverpool, UK.

I best be getting my map out.