The Dauphin Will Rage At Your Heels

I went running to warm my body up for tonight's long, emotional engagement. I ran about 2 miles at a very leisurely pace.

Perhaps it's the runners high, the protein intake for the day but my muscles and mind are telling me I'm psyched for opening night. It may be my last main stage performance at Truman State University. I could be really upset about it but I'm just going to fucking enjoy it. Hell, I may chew some scenery. Half the cast does anyway, why can't I?

Happy End of Day Light Savings Time

I woke up at 6:30 this morning to get ready to go to work at 7:30. I'm currently babysitting in the auditorium, listening to pandora, drinking from my thermos of coffee. Arthur came and brought me an egg mcmuffin but I did have a bowl of cereal earlier.

I suppose the miracle of today is that I got out of bed. I woke up. This past week battered me into nigh oblivion from sleep deprivation to the point that stress was destroying my body. Ghosts and other things came to the fore front and while I'm more equipped to deal with them now (mainly, I have an ego to help me defend myself now), it still left me with scratches, bruises, and an exhausted frame.

Ego is a very funny thing. I didn't really notice mine until I came back Liverpool and I really began living a very "me" centered life. Or rather I've begun to notice that my life has been "me" centered for quite awhile. To one extent, that is the curse and beauty of college: it is about the development of self. The entirety of college is inherently a selfish pursuit. Most training to develop skills or an acumen I think are somewhat selfish in practice because you are forced to focus on YOUR skills, YOUR abilities, and YOU to develop something you can do for someone else. Perhaps I'm not thinking this through enough. It's just very interesting to me at the moment.

As I laid in bed last night, not sleeping, I had my first moment of "Holy Shit King John Opens This Week" panic. It was not fun. I'm not prone to histrionics. I try to keep my drama on the stage but I had a small freak out as I lay awake dreaming. I pondered life beyond KJ, how it might shape up or how life was going to unfold after graduation and fear settled in again. It's not even the fear of living with my parents or staying in Kirksville, it's almost a fear of just not existing.

For the majority of my life, my existence has been consumed by the endeavor we call scholarship. It's hardly the most interesting thing I do but if you were to calculate the hours of my life spent being a student they are an innumerable sum. I've had a taste of life as a traveling artist-educator. I've enjoyed the life of a bon vivant American in Europe however so briefly. It's genuinely scary to think what's going to happen to my life very soon. Am I prepared? Am I good enough? Am I worthy? Those are silly questions to ask because I think in many instances your attitude is the deciding outcome of those answers. Ashton Kutcher is an awful actor but he has an excellent work ethic and positive morale; and he's very successful. Thomas Edison and all that.

Self determination is a very funny thing. I've done it a lot of my life. I've actually pretty decent at it. I go where I want to go in my life and I move depending on the will and graces of life/higher beings/etc. Not always without yielding. Yet I think it is the anxiety of waiting to begin this new chapter of self determined awesome that's goading at me. Just the waiting. I'm a very impatient person, sadly.

Cheers.

"My friend Serge, who's one of my oldest friends, has bought a painting ... It represents a man who moves across a space and disappears."